Inadequada

Não sei ao certo quando comecei a me sentir assim, depois de anos de terapia me questiono também se o problema é real ou se é só uma crença enraizada que nomeie dessa forma. 

Ninguém passa muito tempo conversando comigo sem me dizer uma crítica sobre como eu me comunico, como eu entendo tudo literal demais ou até mesmo sobre como eu falo coisas inadequadas às vezes. Isso faz eu me sentir sempre inadequada.

Leandro, meu esposo, não parece ser feliz comigo, sempre reclama que as conversas comigo são longas, que eu falo demais e não deixo ele expressar-se, que não sei ter uma conversa simples sem pesar. Hoje, por exemplo, estavámos conversando sobre a possibilidade de irmos a Salvador para nossa filha conhecer a praia e comemorarmos o aniversário dele. Começamos a traçar as possibilidades, considerando que nossa filha só tem 1 ano e ainda não temos carro próprio, nessa lógica entram as questões de andar de ônibus sem cadeirinha e que isso seria arriscado. Muita gente faz isso, mas não acho correto viajar dessa forma, prefiro aguardar. 

Hey! Like I said in the title I was not diagnosed with autism but I am almost 99% sure that I am something, maybe not autistic, but I am not "normal" and I have never been.

I don't have money to go to a doctor now, I hope I can do that in the next few years, until then I had accepted to just suffer until I find out what's wrong with me. I've been suffering for over 26 years haha so what's the big deal suffering for more?

The word I would use would be inadequate, that's how I've been feeling every since I remember being a human.

No one spends much time talking to me without criticizing the way I communicate, whether it’s about how I take things too literally or even how I sometimes say inappropriate things. It constantly makes me feel inadequate.

I have 4 friends, not too close but close enough to be considered friends, we see each other 4 times a year, but for me it was always hard to make friends and even these I have is hard to mantain. It still is until nowadays. I always feel weird around others, always feel that whatever I am going to say is going to sound wrong or inadequate. At school it was so hard that I became a teacher graduated and all but I can't even teach at a school without feeling horrible and sad, had to go to private teaching even became a entrepeneur just to not be around a school because it causes me really bad feelings, I was not happy there, at least most of the time.

The closest people I have in my life are my sister and my husband. I don't have a good relationship with my parents, my dad is complicated (he did pretty bad things so I try to stay away) and my mom is kind of immature or maybe narcissist not sure. I recently became a mother (my baby is 1y4m and is the only person that I feel truly loved because she can't yet judge the way I speak but I feel that when she grows up she will hate me, and that's okay I'll love her anyway not mather what, but it makes me sad to think about it.)

Well, my husband doesn't seem happy to be with me; he’s always complaining that conversations with me drag on, that I talk too much and don't let him express himself, or that I can't have a simple conversation without making it heavy. Today, for instance, we were discussing the possibility of going to a close city so our daughter could see the beach and we could celebrate his birthday. We started weighing our options, keeping in mind that our daughter is only one year old and we don't own a car yet, this raised the issue of taking the bus without a car seat, which would be risky. Plenty of people do it around here, but I don't think it's right to travel that way—I’d rather wait until we buy our car. He agreed on but then he seemed a little annoyed so I asked and he said that the conversation was too much and he didn't think it was necessary to be talking this much about something so simple.

I am always like this, always search a lot, look up for evidences, for scientific researches on even the smallest things, talk too much, think too much and he thinks it's a lot. Also, he always says I say things like I am fighting (like being too serious) but for me I am like normal!

My sister always says that I've got too much cognitive rigidity (my therapist also used to say)

I am not mentioning here all of them, but I basically have almost all the autistic traits and my parents never noticed, I only started thinking about the possibility 2 years ago.

Nowadays, what botters me the most is the communicative situation. I always feel wrong, I feel like my marriage is goind to end anytime soon because I am a person that should be alone and single forever, hard to deal and to be in a relationship with.